Truth to Power

Social workers often get accused of being bleeding-heart liberals who hug trees and sing “kum-ba-yah.” Like most stereotypes, there is a reason why this image emerged. Maybe it comes from our genetic predisposition, or a lived experience that environmentally propels us to be the kind of change we want to see in the world. Maybe it has to do with the way a lot of us dress, or how we tend to vote, or the fact that camping vacations are more suited to our budget than all encompassing resort destinations. The social workers I know and respect may wear their Birkenstocks with pride, but they also know how to speak truth to power. They understand that without an embrace of conflicts, a break-down in dualistic thinking, or a true and active empathy for the “other,” there is no amount of real change that is going to take place.

The truth is, as we start up this particular academic year, most social work faculty are about to break that stereotype for the students who file on to campus, ready to change the world. We are about to inflict upon them conflicting points of view, data that doesn’t support their assertions, and clients who have no interest in following the carefully constructed treatment plans written for class assignments. We are going to break down their sense of safety and force multiple points of view to emerge in the classroom, and ask them to be empathetically present with people they would rather avoid talking to at all. We are going to attempt to model social justice, critical thinking, and an embrace of diversity as ideals. And at the core of all this, there is conflict.

I am writing about embracing conflict and division this week, spurred on by my weekly Who is My Neighbor blog for my faith community. This week, a challenging bit of the weekly Gospel reading suggests that Jesus came not to bring peace, but to bring division. Now, it is as easy to talk about Jesus as a “peace on earth” guru, just like its easy to tag my professional peers as bleeding hearts. So, it occurred to me this week as I sat with this lesson that there is something in common between the stories of this historical person called Jesus and the stories I tell my students about what led to the major changes that have happened in society: civil rights, policy reform, organizing for change. Someone (or some group) must speak truth to power. Conflict must emerge. An unsettling and uneasy period of division must be navigated. In that context, fertile ground emerges on which change can begin to emerge, and grow. Theory, practice, and experience tell us that human beings don’t change without some prompting or activation…whether genetic or motivational or familial or environmental or cultural. Or all of the above. Change is difficult. Division is inevitable. Conflict cannot be avoided.

Not exactly kum-ba-yah. Or maybe it is.

When I consider even my own little journey in this vast world, my most transformative experiences have been the most painful. I needed to be written up by a supervisor to transform my career path. I needed to be made painfully aware of my ignorance and privilege so that I could really understand the experience of the other. I still need to take the risk and authentically speak truth to power whether in my workplace, or my community, or even in cyber space. But that doesn’t mean I disadvantage or knock down the people on the other side of the divide. Speaking in terms of my faith tradition, I am keenly aware that the same Jesus that came to bring division also says that we should love our neighbor as ourselves. It seems like a conundrum, but actually there is an important truth inside the paradox. Conflict is a system issue necessary to propel change. Love is an individual act of radical grace, a choice to see the person inside the conflict.

And it isn’t just Jesus saying this: many of our leaders across faith traditions and spiritual movements speak this same message. It is necessary…but not sufficient…to speak truth to power. We also have to create genuine empathy and be willing to approach the other with divine love. That, my friends, is where it gets really difficult. And potentially, really powerful. For me, it is where I have to look to something larger than I am right now to guide me, instead of relying on the current limits of my humanness. I am appreciative of this week’s On Being interview with Kwame Anthony Appiah which speaks so well to the embrace of the “mess” which forms in our divisions, allowing us to connect as humans even in the midst of our greatest divides. Take a listen, post your thoughts.

Here in my little corner of the world, I have seen the power of this approach this very week, in our faculty retreat of all places. I seem to be finding the divine illustrated in the most unlikely places lately…like my workplace…but that is for another day. I literally watched a conflicted bunch of academics (myself included) rise to the occasion this week and begin to mutually create change out of what has felt like a division pulling us apart at the seams. This is division with a small “d” but workplace policy still affects our lives, and our students. We are far from done with all the dialogues we need to have, but there is growth emerging amid divisions, and because we were finally willing to embrace them. We have started to give voice to our divisions, instead of avoiding them either due to a sense of protection, or apathy, or hopelessness. We have proposed some “getting to know you” activities to move us from our silos. We are embracing intentionality and attempting to do some things differently. I personally left a full day retreat with a different spirit than when I entered it. We didn’t link arms and sing, but maybe that is for the best. We can learn from division, and grow within it.

Speak truth to power. Love your neighbor. Embrace the mess.

Posted in Who is My Neighbor?, work and life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mirroring Immensity

I was at Shrine Mont this weekend having some personal retreat time when this poem found me. I journeyed the labyrinth there carrying the phrase “Mirroring your Immensity” which seemed to resonate with me deeply. This phrase…and the images of this poem…have remained with me as I transition back from vacation and reflection time to daily work and life.

This week I have to admit that living and working amid many stressors and obligations feels immense. But tonight, as I prepare to climb inside a space of contemplative prayer, I am reminded of something larger than I am, the immensity of divine grace, presence, persistence, and love which transcends the changes and chances of this daily life. I am finding great peace in these images tonight. Mirroring your Immensity. Rilke speaks the prayer of my heart this night:

I’m too alone in the world, yet not alone enough
to make each hour holy.
I’m too small in the world, yet not small enough
to be simply in your presence, like a thing—
just as it is.

I want to know my own will
and to move with it.
And I want, in the hushed moments
when the nameless draws near,
to be among the wise ones—
or alone.

I want to mirror your immensity.
I want never to be too weak or too old
to bear the heavy, lurching image of you.

I want to unfold.
Let no place in me hold itself closed,
for where I am closed, I am false.
I want to stay clear in your sight.

I would describe myself
like a landscape I’ve studied
at length, in detail;
like a word I’m coming to understand;
like a pitcher I pour from at mealtime;
like my mother’s face;
like a ship that carried me
when the waters raged.


from Rainer Maria Rilke’s Book of Hours
translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy

Posted in quotations and reflections | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Waiting Game

I have been working around my house today while trying to think of some pithy or poignant story about waiting in response to this week’s “Who is My Neighbor” theme. But, the cold and hard truth is that I do not like to wait. I do not like to wait in line, or in traffic. I do not like waiting for my daughter to finish getting ready so we can get out the door in the morning. I do not like waiting for a phone call, nor for an email to be returned, and I absolutely cannot stand to wait when there is conversation that I want to have with someone, or some issue that in my mind needs to be resolved. Yesterday.

Alas, the flip side of my “jump right in with two feet” attitude toward life is that waiting makes me crazy, anxious, and admittedly, bored. Those are not the attributes of “Happy Sarah” and so, my waiting self is generally my cranky self. Or, perhaps, my waiting self can more appropriately be described as multi-tasking self now that my smartphone and iPad are pretty much 24/7 accessible to me. I tend to go right for them when a wait of any kind emerges. My devices never ask me to wait…well, unless its a weak signal and nothing wants to load, then back comes my cranky self yet again.

So, why am I writing this anti-waiting confessional on this week when the theme I am blogging about for my faith community is “Waiting with Anticipation”? Well, maybe that is because I am actively working on this very frustrating issue of navigating the “waiting game” right now. And, what I am learning is that the waiting game is really the ultimate act of being present.

On a small scale, I am waiting for my daughter to come home from camp. Professionally, I am waiting for the new semester…and all my students…to arrive in just a few more days. Regrettably, I am waiting to see if the pain in my tooth goes away with Sensodyne or if I need to have more dental work done. Hopefully, I am waiting to see more energy returning to my Mom’s health after a successful pacemaker placement. And, on a more grand scale, I am waiting and discerning about the next chapter in my professional vocation. That’s a lot of waiting for my impatient self to navigate.

And so, I find myself having to face up to waiting, and see within the waiting game an opportunity to be more present on a daily basis. While awaiting my daughter’s return from camp (especially today, on her birthday!) I have been redecorating her room and going through our old pictures and memories. I have been writing letters and sending care packages, imagining her opening them. This has given me a chance to feel connected in ways that are emotionally more present than I probably am during the daily rant of getting up on time and picking up her clutter. I appreciate her awesomeness, and her challenges, and I have become really, really grateful for the gift of being her Mom.

As for my students and my semester start up…I have been wrapping my head around what my priorities are and I realized today (with a bit of shock) that I am really excited about getting back into the swing of things. This is a “so much to do, so little time” kind of waiting, but the real point is that time will move on and these start up events will occur. I am planning out what I most want to grab ahold of and thinking about when I need to ride the wave of busy and when I need to be prepared to seize the moment. Allowing myself to anticipate those golden moments that will unexpectedly occur is keeping some of the overwhelming details at bay, and thus I am sleeping at night instead of obsessing about them. This is progress.

I keep praying for and sending encouraging thoughts to my Mom, and I have been given a gift of seeing her community of support wrap around her and my community of support wrap around me while she waits to feel healthier. I am grateful that this seems to be happening more and more each day. She also told me a story that after waiting for her surgery, the tuna sandwich they gave her in the recovery room was the best tasting tuna sandwich she had had. Ever. This made me laugh, but then I realized the truth in it. Life is sweeter when we have been reunited with something….food, people, health, even tuna salad it would seem. Maybe without the waiting game, those things of daily life would go by unnoticed and unappreciated. We might need waiting to more fully know the sweet life.

I have nothing to add about the tooth, since I just bit into a cold slice of tomato and almost hit the ceiling. Darn it. Going to pick up some more Sensodyne and get back to you on that one.

Last but not least, there is my grand waiting challenge during this period of reflection and discernment in my life, which some people reading this may not even know is happening. Well, it is. This particular wait is about coming to know all that I have been and am doing vocationally over the years, as well as waiting and praying and talking and discerning about what comes next in my vocational response to the world in which I live. This grand wait could be anxiety provoking, and definitely tests my patience and requires me to slow down and be present. In fact, the real gift in the waiting game at this moment may be to recognize what is happening in my day to day and being open and present to Spirit whenever opportunities emerge. These opportunities may be in the form of a blog inspiration, an unexpected conversation that sheds light on the path of another, an opportunity to dress up in old robes and a head scarf and tell the story of Ezekiel and the dry bones to a room full of kids at VBS, or to receive the wisdom offered to me from those who guide me spiritually and befriend me on the journey. If I cannot live in this waiting game, I cannot seize these moments. And those moments are indeed a brush with the divine, and a deeper knowledge of God.

And so, like so many others, I learn to wait. I practice being present and in hopeful anticipation, keeping my cranky self at bay. I tuck away the smartphone and take in what..and who…is around me. I respond the best I can to what I encounter in each moment and seize the golden ones with gratitude. And in waiting with anticipation…by living in the present moment…I move forward on the journey.

Posted in Who is My Neighbor? | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Found Blessing

This week I have been going through countless piles of old books (and toys, and clothes….) in my daughter’s room while she is away at camp. She is hitting double digits and adolescence is rapidly approaching, so its out with the “baby books” and in with young adult fiction. This has been a slow process because I find myself flipping through so many awesome books, with great memories of sharing them with her. I wish I had enough space to build a library for all of them, but at least some of these precious books must be parted with and shared with others who will hopefully also enjoy them as much, or even more, than we have. The circle of life for those of us who love books.

[As an aside here, I highly recommend taking a vacation from work during a time you can be truly unstructured and not responsible for anyone else’s care and keeping…it is truly good for the soul. This is going to be a yearly routine for me!]

Back to the point of today’s blog post, though. I opened one of the many story books we have which feature the moon, and found in it not only a lovely story but also a folded sheet of paper on which was written the blessing for my daughter’s baptism/christening/welcome to the Universe. Let me share the story as context, and then share the found blessing within it.

The moon is not only a personal favorite symbol for me, but has held mystery and magic for my daughter as well. While this is a part of who she is as a nature loving little creature, I believe it is also because of her christening. When she was born, my spouse and I knew we wanted to have some “welcoming to the Universe” event, but it wasn’t going to be a church baptism. First of all, we didn’t attend a church, so a baptism in some other person’s (or family member’s) church just seemed inauthentic. Her Dad is a lapsed Roman Catholic, and at the time, I was devoutly in the “spiritual but not religious” segment of my faith journey. A close friend of ours, Peg, a retired teacher and continual seeker of knowledge, enlightenment, and spiritual non-traditionality was our choice for a life-time spiritual mentor to our already free-spirited baby daughter. When we approached her about our intention, she instantly agreed to become our daughter’s “Moon Mother” which she thought was more fitting than “Godmother” and we knew without a doubt we had made the best decision. And that has truly been the case, reinforced over and over again.

We picked the night of the summer solstice moon, and as I have written about before, constructed a labyrinth in the field outside Peg’s woodsy cabin home by daylight so that we could walk the labyrinth journey together by the light of the rising moon. Peg had recently been to Ireland, and brought holy water home with her (hidden heaven only knows where) which we would use to splash the blessings of the Universe on each other. We ate strawberries grown of the earth as we sat outside around a fire, the air filled with stars and the light of the moon. We walked the labyrinth oldest to youngest, my daughter strapped to my back and laughing as we moved through the interlaced journey of life we traced beneath our feet, sending forth our prayers and wishes for the journey of life and spirit that lay before her.

Peg read the book, “The Moon Singer” which is the one I found this week while cleaning, now 10 years later as my daughter grows more fully each day into her own personhood, finding and claiming her path in the world. And, Moon Mom Peg read a blessing prayer to close our celebration, our “welcome to the Universe” christening. This is the found blessing tucked inside that book, re-emerging as a small point of light on my current journey as it unfolds:

May each day’s golden sunrise breathe life into your quest for knowledge…and mid-day’s red fire strengthen your courage and teach you trust. May the healing of cool sunset waters bathe you with caring plans for the future…and may you be wrapped in a midnight blanket of gratitude and wisdom. May you dance to the rhythms of Grandfather Sun and Grandmother Moon…and feel abundance and stability from the warm comfort of Mother Earth. May you soar to reach lofty goals with the graceful flight of the Winged Ones…and know instinctively like the Creature Beings when to work and laugh, sleep and play. May your talents and abilities blossom like the beautiful plants of the Standing Tribe…and your voice discern whether to speak or keep silent from the record-keeping Stone People. May you humbly learn the magnitude of the Universe at the feet of the twinkling Star Nation…and take joy in the luminous tapestry woven of people of all colors, languages, and beliefs. May your innocence forever help you to see the world of Little People and other folk…and the truth radiate from within and around you to guide you on your Path. May the medicine and miracles of these gifts brighten and nourish your Spirit…and may Love embrace you all of your days, and forever after.”

My daughter is growing into a little person of spirit. She loves the church I attend, now that spirituality and religious practice have reunited in my life. She often goes with me by her own choosing, this year deciding to serve as an acolyte. She also loves the freedom of spirit in which we question and search and seek, both in that faith community and within our family and its embrace of multiple spiritual perspectives as well. I happily just hung her two favorite symbols up by her bed…a cross she selected from a Palestinian Christian visiting our church and selling carved items made from olive wood, which hangs beside a sculpture of a moon in which is carved the image of mother and child. Peace signs, yoga mats, and nature are her favorite items of decor. She took a Bible, a Book of Common Prayer, and her favorite volume of Irish Myth and Folklore with her to camp. Moon Mom should be proud! And so am I…

As I opened this book and read the found blessing within it, I was reminded that our path never ends, and our destiny is not written but does emerge as we travel our journey with authenticity. Sometimes, we find our voice not in the public spotlight, but because we allow our spirit to shine through us. Others will find their way to us, because they are touched by the authenticity of our song. It’s a lovely little children’s book…read it if you can. The found blessing, tucked inside, is what lingers with me, though. It was then, and is now, everything I could wish for my daughter and everything I cherish in my own journey as well. It blesses the new chapter of my life which is taking shape through discernment, as I continue to learn from all the experiences I have had so far. Passing this found blessing to all those who read this for your own journeys as well…

Posted in quotations and reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lake Walk

I dropped my daughter off at camp yesterday, which brought back a rush of memories for me of my own camp experiences. Most memorable for me were the two years during high school where I spent my summers as a camp counselor. The camp I worked at was a small camp still under construction; a lovely piece of property had been donated to the camp foundation, with a house large enough for kitchen and dining hall for around 50, situated on a country lake in rural upstate New York. Volunteers from the churches supporting the camp had built huge platform tents and constructed 2 bath-houses around the lake on the boys and girls sides. It was beautiful, but very rustic (more so than my daughter’s comparably posh-yet-woodsy accommodations) without any electricity outside the main house.

I probably came across several hundred children over my two years of multiple camp sessions, and I honestly don’t remember many individual names. I was “Chief Sarah” and I worked in tandem with “Chief Pam” in our little village of around 12-15 girls. Admittedly, I have a few names I recall just because I had to say them over, and over, and over again trying to keep order. But there is one young person who does stick out in my mind. Her name was Elizabeth.

Elizabeth had never been to the country, let alone the woods. She arrived with long, tangled blonde hair and her clothing…two outfits…in a brown paper shopping bag. The pastor of her church had personally brought her and managed to find money to pay her registration. I learned in the brief interaction at registration that she lived with her grandmother, who was having surgery that week. She had no where else to stay and no one to care for her.

This story occurred long before I was a social worker who might have had really important questions to ask about these arrangements. As it was, I was 16 and I had no idea what to say about this information to those who gave it to me. But one look at Elizabeth told me it was going to be an interesting week for her, and for me. I put her in my tent group.

Elizabeth was sweet, but socially awkward. She had asthma which she’d learned to keep mostly managed and the nurse kept her inhaler in the main house refrigerator. Perhaps not surprisingly, Elizabeth woke each night needing her inhaler. And so, we would walk together in the dark around the lake in the beam of light supplied by my flashlight to get to her medication. All six nights, our shadows could be seen…my arm around her, slowly walking as moonlight gleamed on the lake as she would tell me about her house, her grandmother, her neighborhood, her school, her parents and what had happened to them. They were her stories…and by and large, they were not happy ones.

By day, Elizabeth developed friends, and worked through the tangles in her hair, and mixed and matched her clothes so she appeared to have more outfits than she did. She learned to swim and fish, and became a superior fire builder which earned her a position of honor on our wilderness camp out. Every night, she would profess to be OK before bed, but every night she would wake in need of her inhaler and ask me to walk with her to the main house to get it. Or maybe, as I learned one night when we arrived and she forgot why we had set off on this walk in the first place, she needed the moonlit walk along the still lake beside a listening ear.

I couldn’t fix Elizabeth’s life situations, but I couldn’t shake her story either. I didn’t come from a family with lots of money or possessions. But, we had health and stability. I became aware during our lake walks of what comparable comfort I had in my own life. College was a reality I was heading toward, and I never had a lack of clothing or food or caregivers. Even amid the teenage angst I had about a lot of other things, I became aware of and grateful for what I had in my life. It seemed unfair to me that others didn’t have access to the same opportunities, or hadn’t been told how to access opportunities that may actually be available to them. Later, I would go to college and give up a more lucrative path in science to study social work. I would learn about the concepts of “privilege” and “empathy” and consider these through the lens of my midnight walks with a young girl who had so very, very little but gave me so very, very much to think about. Wealth is not only measured in dollars and cents.

I knew with certainty, somewhere that during that week of lake water and moonlight, that I would be OK and so would Elizabeth. As the week went on, her own stories became less about the ways she saw herself as different and more about the people who loved and cared for her, about those she missed and looked forward to seeing again. She would go back to her daily life knowing she had mastered some survival skills….learned to care for herself, built a fire, learned to fish, learned to swim. And I had learned how to walk beside and listen. How not to fix, because I couldn’t. But instead, how to be present and build strengths and question how to change the systems that led to these challenging life situations. Our walks together revealed that I had faith in her, and she had trust in me. That is a powerful combination.

It has remained true across my life and career that wealth and money don’t go hand in hand. There is a richness in the human spirit, and a call to something larger than we are that binds us together in the human condition, and as people of God. It is not OK for me to be comfortable while others lack. But I can’t fix all the poverty, all the injustice, or all the oppressive systems either. I have learned that I can walk beside others as dignified equals, and use the positions I have to build strengths, and raise questions, and bring awareness to injustice and privilege. I have refined my professional knowledge over the years so I can do that more effectively. I am grateful for the positions of leadership I have…and will continue to have…that allow me to affect change.

But, at some level, I am still walking with my arm around a young person, sharing a beam of light as we walk together around a lake. And for that, I am grateful.

(This post was inspired by Week 4, What Owns Us, in the “Who is My Neighbor” series at St. Thomas’ Episcopal Church.)

Posted in Who is My Neighbor?, work and life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sunset

This poem conveys where I am right now, tonight, on this magnificent journey. Calmly living and growing in this space in-between.

Sunset

Slowly the west reaches for clothes of new colors
which it passes to a row of ancient trees.
You look, and soon these two worlds both leave you
one part climbs toward heaven, one sinks to earth.

leaving you, not really belonging to either,
not so hopelessly dark as that house that is silent,
not so unswervingly given to the eternal as that thing
that turns to a star each night and climbs–

leaving you (it is impossible to untangle the threads)
your own life, timid and standing high and growing,
so that, sometimes blocked in, sometimes reaching out,
one moment your life is a stone in you, and the next, a star.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Posted in quotations and reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Daily Bread

My daughter once remarked, while lunching with a group of my colleagues, that she was a “cheeseatarian.” She fits the description…sneaking cheese at any opportunity while I am cooking, and willingly passing up any and all other sources of protein for her favorite dairy delicacy if she can get away with it. I, on the other hand, could easily achieve “breadatarian” status since there is no loaf of bread I dislike, no grain I do not adore, no yeasty and crusty loaf of goodness I do not crave. Bread is equally fond of my waist, it would seem, but the love affair between us continues nevertheless and is sure to last a lifetime.

Since I have also been blogging for my faith community today on the theme of “Our Daily Bread” I have been giving my beloved favorite food group quite a bit of thought. Tonight, I am recalling three treasured bread stories that not only filled my stomach but also touched my heart and radiated small points of light along my path. Let us break bread together…

Course One: Holy Pita, Breadman

These days, the pita is considered a fairly normal staple of the bread aisle. While I may visit the Lebanese bakery for some favorite high quality loaves, in a pinch I can easily snag some pocket bread at the Kroger on the corner. But, in the 1970’s in my little corner of upstate New York, the pita was a strangely unfamiliar, ethnic curiosity.

One summer when I was young, my family was in the midst of some challenging financial times. I was too young to know why…and smart enough to know it was not my place to ask. But, it was clear that we were pinching pennies more than usual, and relying heavily on what we could grow, glean, or get our hands on cheaply for our meals. Bread was an expense we were doing without, particularly store bought bread. Occasional jiffy mix biscuits or corn bread would emerge. There was always enough food, just not necessarily enough of what I would have liked.

One day, my Dad’s friend Bernie showed up at the door. Like my Dad, Bernie sold auto parts and helped fix cars part time. They focused on different car parts…Dad on driveshafts, Bernie on mufflers…so they were colleagues and friends rather than competitors. Times were tough all over, so Bernie had taken on a bread delivery route for some extra money. He stopped by one summer evening…an evening where I have since learned we were getting to a precarious place in the family food supply…to bring a box filled with day old bread set for destruction so that we could freeze it up and make use of it. It was an enormous box filled with pita bread. I remember Bernie having a smile and a gleam on his face. He said we were helping him by taking bread he couldn’t sell off his hands. But, I knew that this gift of pita was like manna in the wilderness, a gift of daily bread from a daily friend.

What I remember most about the summer of pita was how versatile we became in our pita preparation, although it was completely unknown to us at the time. Pita was our breakfast toast spread with the strawberry jam we had made that spring, our lunch sandwich stuffed with lettuce, tomato, and cucumber from the garden, our dinner time wrap for hunks of grilled bologna and mustard that had been secured at surplus pricing. I grew weary of the bologna, but not the pita. It is still a staple of my life. When I see stacks of pita in the store, I sometimes think of Bernie the Breadman, our family friend, and the huge box of pita he bestowed on us exactly when we needed it most. Sometimes, even now, when I kneel at the alter and receive the Body of Christ, the Bread of Heaven I am reminded anew that I am taking in the divine gifts of pita and grace, intertwined. Truly, we are breaking Holy Bread.

Course Two: Stuffing

It was usually mid-October when she started the preparation. My Gramma would lay the dining room table with cookie sheets, cooling racks placed on top of each. From each loaf of bread she made or bought, the crusts and a few extra slices would be removed and cut into squares. The squares would be placed in single layers on the racks for several days until they were dry as bones, then added by handfuls to the re-purposed bread bags that hung in the back pantry, awaiting their destiny as a part of our family Thanksgiving feast.

Given my love of bread, it should come as no surprise that stuffing was…and is…my favorite Thanksgiving side dish. Looking back, I am convinced that Gramma’s stuffing was flavored not only with her seasonings, sausage, and sage…but also anticipation. No stuffing has ever come close to compare with her recipe, though every year I try. Those October bread cubes were the beginning of her planning, her preparation, her own anticipation of the family feast that spanned multiple tables, multiple generations, and multiple rooms of her farm house. The anticipation of Thanksgiving and the bread that we would share together, that we still share together in family stories and memories that transcend time and miles.

Course Three: The Loaf

I never require my students to attend class the Wednesday before Thanksgiving break. This is because of the great Hand Turkey Rebellion of 2000, of which I was a primary instigator along with my two friends Melinda and Toni. We normally had our PhD seminar in data analysis on Wednesday afternoons and, not wanting the Thanksgiving holiday to interfere with doctoral preparation, the course was moved to the morning rather than cancelled. This nearly caused me to miss the last flight home to see my family and partake in my Gramma’s favorite family holiday which would have been entirely unacceptable. Given that social workers are a self-advocating lot, we tried to plead our case but we were unsuccessful. So, instead, we planned a feast.

Let it be known that three 30-something social work professionals who chose to leave the productive professional workforce to go back to graduate school should never be underestimated, in spite of a lack of cash flow. We were determined to help the international members of our cohort understand the true meaning and rich history (good, bad, and ceremonial) of American Thanksgiving. We critically analyzed what we loved about the occasion and determined that shared abundance and distributive justice were at the root of the holiday. And so, we made a morning feast of coffee and cider and pumpkin muffins and my contribution…a giant loaf of cranberry nut bread baked in the expanding loaf pan I was given by Franziska, the Swiss exchange student who had spent a year with our family. We set this up, along with stations for constructing Hand Turkeys complete with construction paper feathers, in the room where data analysis should have been taking place.

A lot of learning took place that day, none of which had to do with probability theory. We still laugh and joke, we still get eye rolls from our former faculty at the mention of “hand turkey” and each year, some form of text message, email, or photo exchange will evoke the memory of the enormous loaf. We broke bread…an enormous cranberry loaf…with our neighbors that late Autumn day. Bread shared freely, liberally spread with laughter, makes life taste sweeter.

Posted in Who is My Neighbor? | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

To the Moon

When I walked outside late last night, after the rain, the moon was majestically beautiful. It was one of those nights where I am paralyzed, where I stand and stare, taking in each moon-beam and soaking it up into my soul. During the last full moon, I was retreating in the mountains. I slept under that full, solstice moon shining in through my windows as if the moon was bestowing a personal gift to my spiritual journey. And perhaps she was. Last night, I stood in awe for a while, then found a seat and indulgently soaked up the moonlight again. Bliss. I love these quiet hours of solitude when the rest of the world is asleep, and my spirit is awakened, wrapped in the comfort of moonlight.

Mary Oliver says it better than I can. I am posting her poem as a tribute to the moon, in gratitude for moonlight…

Luna
by Mary Oliver

In the early curtains
of the dusk
it flew,
a slow galloping

this way and that way
through the trees
and under the trees.
I live

in the open mindedness
of not knowing enough
about anything.
It was beautiful.

It was silent.
It didn’t even have a mouth.
But it wanted something,
it had a purpose

and a few precious hours
to find it,
and I suppose it did.
The next evening

it lay on the ground
like a broken leaf
and didn’t move,
which hurt my heart

which is another small thing
that doesn’t know much.
When this happened it was about
the middle of summer,

which also has its purposes
and only so many precious hours.
How quietly,
and not with any assignment from us,

or even a small hint
of understanding,
everything that needs to be done
is done.

20130722-212714.jpg

Posted in quotations and reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Radical Hospitality and Kimchee

During the years I was enrolled in my PhD program, student office space was a valuable commodity around which a whole culture of room assignment had emerged. When each cohort was admitted, we all shared one big room, each entering student with an alphabetically assigned cubicle; our program’s administrative coordinator, Lucinda, referred to this shared starting space (lovingly) as “The Nursery.” This term has resonated across student cohorts over the years since she was, truly, like a surrogate mother to us and this shared space felt like the crucible of our academic emergence from infant to toddler. My cohort was the first to introduce an inflatable air mattress into one corner of the nursery, for the inevitable all night work sessions that accompanied major assignments. As we successfully moved on through our first year of coursework, most of us graduated to shared desk space in the corridor of basement offices adjacent to the computer lab. Some were fortunate to secure professional lodgings in one of the funded Centers or research suites of our faculty mentors which were located on higher ground, some even with windows. Some people used their offices more than others; I ran a project located in a community agency and preferred to write at home, so my desk and bookshelves in the University basement were really more for storage, and to insure that I had a readily accessible place to meet with my students since I taught several adjunct classes. So, I was happy to use whatever space was allocated to me upon graduating from The Nursery. I remained in my old corner desk in the basement of Brown Hall through two floods, one renovation, and the passage of three subsequent sets of office mates.

I actually got along well with all my office neighbors over the five years I spent in that office. First, I shared space with Violet and Cathy who were several cohorts ahead of me and soon graduated to take faculty positions. Then, Stacey and Vivia moved in and we had much in common to chat about along the theme of mental health services research. Although they entered the doctoral program one cohort after me, these wonderful and wise academic women still managed to graduate before me. I clearly was taking the PhD road less travelled. During the final year of my studies, an academic couple moved in to take the remaining desks. Song-Iee and Hyun were students from S. Korea, both brilliant and delightful office mates. They used the office daily and settled in to make it their home away from home, even adding a comfortable reading chair. I felt almost apologetic when I needed to come in to the office because they were so settled and comfortable, and my rarely used corner was…well…transient at best. But, Song-Iee and I in particular would find things to talk about whenever I came in, and she was particularly happy when my daughter (who was only an infant at the time) would accompany me. I soon began to feel quite at home with my newest office neighbors in spite of how infrequently we actually interacted.

The November I defended my dissertation, my office neighbors invited me and my family to their home for dinner to celebrate. I thought this was a lovely and sweet gesture. The evening of the dinner, my spouse and I, and our then 2 year old daughter drove to their small, off-campus apartment. What followed over the next several hours was the most radical act of hospitality I have ever experienced.

Song-Iee, the brilliant and kind academic, had obviously spent days away from her studies, cooking in my honor every delicious dish imaginable from her Korean culture. She had spread cushions on the floor around their low table so we had ample space to sit and for our daughter to play. She prepared a gorgeous display of food…the tastes, the combinations, the specially prepared things that even a two year old would reach out to grab and taste…and each of them accompanied by a story, a history lesson on her family and the origin of the recipe. The whole evening to me is a blur of lavish, celebratory, radical hospitality. I couldn’t even find sufficient words to thank her, then or now. I was humbled, and awe-stricken by their lavish kindness. But as we closed the evening, it became clear: they understood the magnitude of this celebration. They were working towards the same goal themselves. And they gave lavishly and from the heart to share this celebration with me, because whether I was in that office with them for hours or days…I was still their neighbor. That night, we were all family, all celebrating, all beneficiaries of that lavish gift of radical hospitality.

Radical hospitality is a transformative gift.

This story is my response to Week 2 of the “Who is My Neighbor?” series at St. Thomas Episcopal Church. For more views on Radical Hospitality, check out the following blogs:

I love this ecumenical reflection from Christine Valters Paintner @ Abbey of the Arts on radical hospitality not as outward action, but as a contemplative state of welcome for all humanity, including ourselves. As she states, “Radical hospitality might be seen as hospitality that proceeds from the very core or root of who we are, an invitation to extend a welcome to the stranger that dwells inside of you.” She also begins this blog entry with an amazingly powerful poem from Rumi (take a peek):

radical hospitality toward ourselves

Another great piece which is relevant across communities of faith is this reflection from United Methodist Bishop Robert Schnase on showing compassion and radical hospitality through hands, feet, and action:

radical hospitality toward others

This week’s theme of radical hospitality emerges from the biblical story of Mary and Martha, Luke 10:38-42

Please join in the conversation and share your own story. Who has shown radical hospitality to you? How do you extend radical hospitality to your neighbors?

Posted in Who is My Neighbor? | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bonus Assignment

“Don’t you notice that there are particular moments when you are naturally inspired to introspection? Work with them gently, for these are the moments when you can go through a powerful experience, and your whole worldview can change quickly.”
― Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

One of the most beloved classes I ever taught was an undergraduate course on grief, loss, and dying. I began teaching this class as an adjunct faculty at a local college while I was a full time grief counselor. I found that teaching afforded me the opportunity to immerse myself in cross-cultural and philosophical dimensions of death and dying that somehow gave me a bigger perspective to sustain my daily work with my individual, grieving clients. I loved every moment of prepping, teaching, and yes…even grading the assignments for that course. I built up a library of resource books that I still treasure (including the book from which my opening quote is drawn). I have kept these books even though I no longer teach the class, and we don’t even offer a similar course at my current academic workplace. Looking back, I realize that teaching that course gave me a great gift, an opportunity for introspection. I used my reading and prepping and contemplating to channel the challenging emotional content of my daily work into meaningful, teachable moments for my students. Teaching this class transformed me, and eventually opened the door to what has become my academic career.

The students who took my class in those early days of teaching were a diverse group. I had some students who aspired to careers in related fields like gerontology, health care, or hospice; I had several second-career students for whom grief was a part of their personal life experiences and for whom the class offered some solace or even therapeutic potential. Then there were the merely curious who thought the class would be an interesting elective, along with a few fascinated Goths who wanted to take any course that required composing a “deathography” as a formal assignment and involved taking a class field trip to a mausoleum. All were welcome.

If you take a class with me, the assignment structure reads like an a la carte menu. A few assignments are required of all, but most offer selections among possible assignment alternatives. This may involve selecting an option from column A, another from column B and having an optional bonus assignment in there for the adventurous to consider. In “Grief, Loss, and Dying” the bonus assignment was to write your own Eulogy and, at some undisclosed point in the semester, to hear it delivered by me as though your death had actually just occurred. Then, the student had a week to reflect on that experience both introspectively, and in writing.

I delivered several Eulogies over the years I taught, for the career-oriented, the personally grieving, the curious and of course, the Goths. I was still moved every time. The brave students who engaged in the bonus assignment told me repeatedly that it was both unsettling and transformative to them as well. I often read their post-Eulogy reflections which stressed a powerful desire to realign their priorities, reconcile a relationship, or focus more clearly on their life goals. Although it was often more difficult than they anticipated, no one expressed regret for having completed the bonus assignment.

I find myself drawn into introspection these days, feeling poised on the precipice of a new chapter of becoming. Ironically, I have had to write my professional biography multiple times in the past year. Just a few weeks ago, I updated my biosketch for a grant application, highlighting what seemed of ultimate importance to the funding agency. In a moment of crystal clarity, I realized I barely recognized myself (my full, authentic self) from the biosketch description. “Really?” I thought. “Is this how I want to be known and remembered?” I thought back to the Eulogy assignment and its unsettling, transformative effect on my students. The biosketch “bonus assignment” presented to me by the Universe offered similar potential for introspective reflection. My life contribution is much more than just what appears my Google Scholar profile.

I am grateful for this time to reflect, to be introspective at an important juncture for potential growth along my journey. Integrating my personal and professional experiences and detailing my ordinary, daily encounters with spirituality hold particular value for me right now. So does being still, and waiting with patient expectation for doors to open into the next chapter. These experiences transform me, and beckon me into evolving and becoming something more that emerges from who I already have learned that I am: the scholar, the teacher, the grief counselor, the writer, the mother, the friend, the healer, the one who ministers and advocates to promote and restore the dignity of every human being.

This contemplative state is really the essence of both living and dying: the gentle but powerful soul work of transformation.

Posted in quotations and reflections, work and life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment